I received the opportunity to explore these issues on a much deeper level throughout the past week, and I am infinitely grateful for that. It is amazing how, until you are really challenged on an issue, you may think you have it all sorted out! But when it really gets down to it, there is a lot of work to be done and a lot of self-realization to be discovered. In this case, I think my delving deep into these topics has proved beneficial, not only for me, but for the women I serve as well.

So, what place does fear have in homebirth, or midwifery care even? I venture to say it has no place. Sure, there is the idea of having a healthy respect for the processes of pregnancy and birth, and I totally agree with that. But respect is not fear. I argue that fear has no place–there is no situation in birth where fear is appropriate. Now, mind you, this is not a new realization to me but as I said has been tested on a new level. Because I realize that “fear” can take many forms; and I also realize, I am not interested and do not want to engage in any of them. But so many of them, especially in pregnancy and birth, are so prevalent in our society. There’s the fear of having a preterm baby, and then there is the fear of having a postdate baby.
There is the excess amount of information (mostly fear-based) on the internet for anyone to read.

But I realized this week, that when faced with a situation that could so easily become fearful, I have a choice and the mama has a choice with how to engage with each other–and the choices to be made. It’s easy to do–I have seen countless midwives (especially those like me, “licensed midwives”, and I have been tempted as well)–let fear creep in. Whether it is the state regulations that we must follow, or the fact that we don’t want anything “bad” to happen, we compromise our care by allowing fear to be a part of it. But really, it is about education, studying, using our intuitive gifts and acting in love. It is not a blind act of faith but one supported by information from all angles. And, dare I say, Divine guidance.

So, what can be done to educate and help us make compassionate decisions without worrying about all the excess information and possibilities? First, I think we do need to be aware of the risks and benefits of any situation and approach them honestly. For example, with a mama that is approaching the 42 week mark–how is that to be handled?

First and most importantly, a woman in that situation has got to be treated with love and respect. Once again, there is no place for fear as since that will be everyone else’s reaction, she has got to feel some groundedness and understand the reality of the situation (whatever that is) before taking on any kind of powerful emotional energy about it. Next, the obvious must be observed and assessed. How is the baby and her body handling being “late”? What about the dates? Seems obvious, but many, many “late” babies are simply a result of late ovulation. What are the options and why are they being considered? If it is simply a matter of dates and nothing else, or legal regulations, I call that fear. On the other hand, if there is something that does seem like it warrants investigation, whether it be clinical or intuitive (on my end or mama’s end) then I see that as necessitating a fear-less and valid “intervention”.

But even “natural” interventions, such as herbal inductions, for example, can be done in fear. Just because it is “natural” does not make it fear-less, or really any more acceptable. Without reason or indication, it can communicate to all involved that there is a need for something to be “done”–a fear that needs to be addressed.

As the resident “hippie” midwife here in Sedona, I have no problem coming out and saying it. All care in pregnancy and birth, by midwife or doctor, should be done in love and not fear. There are so many opportunities, even subtle ones, where our fear can play a place in decision making and ultimately really affect the mamas and babies we serve. I am learning every day how to be fear-less–I made the promise when becoming a “licensed midwife” a year ago–I refuse to practice in fear. As far as I can see, there is not a place where fear fits into what I do.

There is a place for compassionate, intelligent and intuitive care in pregnancy and birth. We do not control the process, but we do control how we face a problem and how we approach fixing it. When approached from this angle of love, we allow the Divine guidance and protection to become part of our reality-and the solution to whatever it is we are trying to solve.

Good news all around has prompted this happy post. First, today was a “work” day for me. I always laugh when I describe it like that because it is anything BUT work. I promise, I (and many midwives) have the best job in the whole world. I get to visit some of my favorite women at their homes, spend time chatting and laughing with them. Seeing what’s new in their world. Helping prepare for their baby’s birth, and being honestly excited about it all right along with them. I am so looking forward to the births coming up! I think it is amazing that this is what I get to do. So, with the bulk of my prenatals happening on Mondays, I love Mondays! My “work” is great and I feel like a little time away also makes me appreciate my kids even more. 4 little kids can be draining; so a little break goes a long way!

My other happy news is strictly (well, sort of) personal. We are expecting a new little baby in May. This pregnancy has been a whirlwind and although I am about 17 weeks, still feels surreal. A friend of mine suggested that might be because it kind of blended with my last postpartum. Other pregnancies have happened when the youngest was about 16 months old. This time, little Rune was only 7 months. So, I still have a baby (he’s almost a year now) and I am growing another! It is a little strange but yet cool. I learn and grow with every pregnancy even though I am surrounded by pregnancy constantly! In fact, I would say I learned a lot of what I know from my own experience. So, this time has been enlightening in a whole new way.

I am employing “trust” in a whole new way. Obviously, I already have a good deal of trust in the natural process. But I have been enjoying really tuning into my baby and my body. Would you believe I didn’t even take a pregnancy test this time? I KNEW I was pregnant, for a variety of reasons way earlier than most people would. But I was so tempted anyway to just SEE it on that stick! Anyway, it was a test of faith and patience that I had never experienced. I even wrestled a bit with thinking I was just plain crazy and maybe imagining it all. Same with the heartbeat. I refused to find it with a doppler this time; I suppose I might have had I had a reason to be concerned. But I didn’t, and so I didn’t. I kept tuning into baby, who I know was doing fine, and feeling my uterus grow by the week. In fact, I just found the heartbeat for the first time with my fetascope 2 days ago. It was a long wait but taught me so much in the process. Gave me a renewed faith in my body and in the intelligence we ALL have. Technology can be lifesaving, and useful. But sometimes it is plain old not needed, and we could all use a reminder of that.

SO, yay! Lots of babies to come before mine–so I expect the winter and early spring to fly by.

My pregnancy with Egan was healthy and happy. I was vegetarian and spent a lot of time doing yoga and meditation. My first birth, 2 years prior, was a “natural” hospital birth that left me wondering how I would handle the pain again. It also left me wondering how, this time, I could have the experience I really wanted. An unhindered birth, where my baby and I were safe and protected. I was still at a very “status quo” period in my life, and had never really considered homebirth. I had been seeing an OB at the local hospital in Chicago, who I liked. When it became clear to me that she wasn’t likely to be on call for my birth, I switched to the practice of nurse-midwives at the same hospital. I will never forget my first appointment–I was about 33 weeks pregnant. I don’t remember the midwife’s name, but I loved her. She listened to me, and was able to ease my fear about the baby being posterior (I had an awfully long and painful first, posterior labor), at least at that appointment, by using her hands. She listened to me. (Yes, I know I just typed that!) I remember feeling like, yes!! This is what I need for this birth.

I had hired a doula to help me navigate the hospital; once again. She was great, and to this day, I give her a good deal of credit for “showing me the light” of homebirth. At one of our last home visits ( I was 36 weeks), we went over the famous birth plan. I sat there, pregnancy hormones and all, and cried. And cried. How I didn’t want this, and I didn’t want that. How more than anything I didn’t want to be separated from my new baby. She was very calm, but looked at me directly and said something like, “It’s not too late to have this baby at home”.

To say a lightbulb went off is putting it mildly. I am a smart person. I am educated. I SHOULD have chosen a homebirth a whole lot sooner, but I was not ready. Like a spiritual person wanting conversion, I could not be converted until the time was right. Her words made total sense to me. And I never looked back. (And this is also one of the main reasons I have since gone on to do what I do–I realize there are COUNTLESS women out there who are now where I was. The perfect “specimens” for homebirth. Healthy, responsible. But they just don’t KNOW that it is an option). Anyway, I digress.

The next day I called several midwives. Illinois is an “illegal” state for anyone attending homebirths that is NOT a doctor or a nurse midwife. It’s funny to me now how my first instinct was to find a nurse-midwife, because the “direct entry” midwives weren’t legal. We interviewed the nurse-midwife and simply put, she was full of fear. Now, at this point I did not “know” very much. But I was not willing to even think about having this baby in fear. After meeting with her, I thought the hospital didn’t seem so bad. And to this day that sticks with me. I am not a fearful person or a fearful midwife. But I realize that at interviews, it is really easy to focus on all the fear and complications and “what-ifs”. I realize that who I am as a midwife was not only formed by the midwife that we eventually chose, but also the midwife I did not want (to be).

Needless to say, the other midwife we interviewed was a direct entry midwife. And exactly what I needed at that time. Yet another HUGE lesson learned as now the tables have turned. As a midwife, and even as a mom, you can get in all the criticisms of this midwife or that one, and what she did, and who hired her and why, etc. But the truth is, women find the midwife they need. I will say, we were perhaps naive in our questions for her and pretty much hired her on the spot. She was attentive to me and my baby, not put off by the fact that I was 37 weeks, and confidently predicted a wonderful birth around my due date (my first had been 3 weeks early, so it was a huge fear of mine). Long story short, she was the midwife for me.

As the birth grew closer, I sorted through a lot of fears and felt really ready. The day before he was born, I started noticing contractions every 5 minutes. They didn’t hurt, but I noticed them. My mom was visiting and we spent the day walking around Chicago with my daughter. The exercise felt good and I was happy to be out one final time, pregnant with this baby. I remember watching TV that nite, still noticing contractions every 5 minutes. I went to bed, but by about 2 am, I couldn’t sleep. The contractions were short but feeling like a lot of pressure. I remember feeling bad about calling the midwife at 2 am, not being in “real labor”, but eventually did. I had to page her, but she did not call back. I think I ended up calling the doula, who eased my fears and told me to rest. She said she’d check on me in the morning.

I slept/labored on the couch all night. By morning, I was feeling it a lot more and tried to finish up some business. By early afternoon, the midwife showed up and I was a mess. Hadn’t slept at all, was exhausted and hurting. At that point the contractions were really intense. I was crying, and she was telling me I needed to eat and sleep. I sort of cringe at the fact that she gave me Benadryl!! Really! She told me I wasn’t really in labor yet. Again, as a midwife, this has always stayed with me. She was my midwife for a reason, and it wasn’t because she was perfect! It affected me deeply, being told I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. And that my body wasn’t working. She told me she was going to visit a client in the neighboring state (!), Indiana. I remember lying on my bed, on my hands and knees, just being bowled over by the contractions. It was intense. As a midwife, I marvel now that she never checked me (internally), or even so much as listened to the baby. Crazy! A testament to the fact that birth works, most of the time. But I still wonder WHY she assumed I was not getting ready to have a baby.

Anyway, she left and within an hour I felt the urge to push. I literally sprung off the bed, ripped off my clothes and went to sit on the toilet. (The waterbirth tub was not ready yet, as we had never done that part before and at last notice my husband was told it was gonna be a while….). I will always remember my doula looking me in the face with both confidence and fear, saying, “Well, I can catch a baby”.

I was scared and overwhelmed by the intensity of needing to push. (Come to think of it, my second son’s birth was also this way–the “boy” births seem to be harder and more intense for me than those of the girls.) I remember some of the sac coming out, me feeling it and wondering what the heck it was. I was definitely panicked somehow–thinking I needed someone to do the job at hand. Yet another way I was influenced as a midwife. I try to be present by active labor, at least, and if a woman is distraught in any way, even in “early” labor, I will not leave her. I also try to have the kind of relationship with my clients (and granted, I didn’t afford us this time with this midwife) so that they are feeling centered and calm and glad I am there, but not truly “needing” me in an intense way.

I remember jumping into the birth pool as Jason added chipped ice. It was a very bright Chicago afternoon an we lived on the first floor of a two-flat in a city neighborhood. I was very vocal. I was very loud. I never remembered pushing hurting like this, and the only was I could lessen the pain was to groan. Again, lesson learned. I felt “bad” about it for a while after the birth, like I was supposed to have had this surreal, quite homebirth with candles and Enya. I encourage women now–it doesn’t work that way. You do what you’ve gotta do to get that baby out. You leave yourself open to those possibilities. You go with what your body is telling you.

And my body was telling me to get him out!! The midwife entered as I was in the pool, and within a push his head was out. I heard her tell me to stop pushing, and she jumped into the pool behind me and did something. Turns out he had a little fist by his face, and also several wraps of cord around his neck and armpit. He was born into, albeit, very warm water. He took a while to “come around”–when I think of it now, his color was good but he was not responding very well. Didn’t open his eyes for a bit. I remember, as a mom, not really being worried because I knew he was OK. And funny enough, it really suits his personality now. “Egan” means fiery, and that is certainly what we got, at birth and even now. He blasts his way through everything, leaving no prisoners……

I ended up bleeding a bit (she said) and I do remember my bladder being pretty full. The reminder of needing to pee would have been nice throughout labor. But now that I have had 2 more babies in water, I also know that I am kind of a bleeder. Super healthy, and I don’t loose blood to the point where I feel bad. But the pools usually look a little redder than I as a midwife would be comfortable with.

Anyway, the birth was my crazy foray into homebirth and midwives, and this midwife was no exception! But, after his birth, I could NOT get away from the fact that I envied her job. I realized early on that she was a tad more dramatic than I’d like to be, but that being a midwife seemed like something I wanted to do. I read every book and article I could find, and I have to say, I did get a glimpse at how hard of a job it is. I remember wishing that I could read something, even a birth story, that would make me want to forget it all and go open a cookie shop! Sometimes I still think that–gosh, I love it SO much but my life would really be so much simpler if I didn’t HAVE to do it.

Well, I do seem to have to do it. And I credit the Universe, and my son, and this midwife for opening the door of birth and midwifery to me. Having a homebirth opened my eyes to the wonders of the world, and to the choices we all have every day. It awakened me to my potential as a mother and a woman. My life has never been, and never will be the same.

(Conclusion-I started a formal apprenticeship with another local direct-entry midwife just 4 months later. And 5 (longer) years later, I practice as a Licensed Midwife in Arizona. Having moved from Chicago to Flagstaff, I now serve the Sedona, Flagstaff and Cottonwood areas as a homebirth midwife.)

To me, the process of deciding to work with a client is pretty complex. I’m not trying to sound haughty or judgmental here, as if there is only a certain caliber or class of woman I will work with. That is not it all. Rather, it is the opposite. I have been blessed by the Universe with the experience and knowledge to know that there are women out there that I MUST serve. They somehow MUST choose me to walk with them, and there is no way I could possibly deny them care. Truly, the Divine guidance that we are blessed with takes over and I am honored to be with these women. A great example of this is a woman that called me last year. I talked with her briefly, and really had a good feeling about her. However, I was “due” to take a vacation around her due date, so I told her that and gave her some other numbers to call. Well, she did call the other Sedona midwives but a month later called me again. Suffice it to say that we decided to work together, and I think our love for each other is mutual. It is for these women that I do what I do. That I am happy to sacrifice vacations for, because it was so clear that we were supposed to walk this road together! It sounds a little over the top, and maybe too new-agey for some. But I absolutely love the women I serve. I feel an intimate connection with them and their families that is evident to me on a spiritual plane immediately. This is just how I am a midwife. I will never be the one with the front desk, or the answering service. When a woman hires me, it is because we both feel it to be the only choice, and I am hers for the course of her pregnancy (and often longer:)
This passion can sometimes make it interesting. In a world where finances rule, I have a hard time explaining myself. That’s because I also have a strong belief in my service being worthy financially. I think Sedona midwives (and midwives in general) charge a modest fee for the 10+ months of work, and I don’t believe myself to be an exception. I take pride in what I do, and I also believe that money can create all kinds of excuses for things people don’t really want to do anyway. So, I refuse to convince anyone to do a homebirth and refuse to be in “contest” of who can offer the cheapest midwifery services and thereby be the “busiest” midwife. I am just not interested in quantity-only quality. If I get the feeling that a woman is only trying to search out the cheapest care (and I have had women challenge me with the fact that their health insurance (which I likely don’t accept) means I am competing with an expense an eighth of what I charge, I tell them I am not interested. I know I am not the midwife for people that are ONLY concerned with money. If another midwife that is $500 less is really giving a woman cause for a lot of undecidedness, I say she go with the cheaper choice. I have no interest in being the cheaper alternative.

That said, I am compassionate and understanding when it comes to money issues. If I encounter what I call a great midwife-mama match, and I feel an underlying trust, and my intuition tells me all is well, I will work with a woman financially. I will barter and trade with her. I will do everything I can to help her, knowing that her commitment to herself, her baby and to birth is strong and unwavering. For these women I consider my “sisters’, I will do whatever makes sense. It’s that simple.

So, to me, choosing a midwife has nothing at all to do with money. And everything to do with personality, intuition and a deeper connection. Money is simply a sign of respect and commitment, but an issue that can be worked out between people that trust one another. Of course, not all midwives feel this way, and not all mamas are looking for anything other than a nice person that seems to know her stuff. I suppose my feelings on the matter account for the fact that I don’t feel competition with the other local midwives. I honestly don’t. My only concern is to make my name and resources available enough that the women I should work with walk my way. That we find each other. There is no competition between anyone for anything when women are informed and can make their own choices.

And that there is, as the saying goes, a midwife for every woman and a woman for every midwife.