There is some sort of saying among midwives; “there is a midwife for every woman, and a woman for every midwife.” It wasn’t until this week that I realized what it feels like to NOT be the midwife a woman needs. To be the one to say to the woman, “I am not the midwife for you. Keep looking and you will find her!” It is easier to say than actually do, as I have discovered that many midwives (despite the saying quoted above) are not as interested in the woman finding her midwife match but in the obvious- more clients, more births, more (sort of) money–it’s all nice for the midwife ego.
And I don’t claim to be completely ego-less. I am involved in such an intimate way in people’s lives that it can be hard to separate birth outcomes (positive or not) from something I did or didn’t do. But I know deep down I am just the guide, the facilitator and that it is not about me. But still, letting go to a pregnant mama that would like my help was surprisingly hard. I am not sure if this potential client felt “it” too; it could be she just wanted to hire me because I am local and she didn’t want to have to travel far. I really don’t know. But what I did know was that something just didn’t feel right to me. I still can’t put my finger on it–it may have been something deeper that I felt (as on the “outside” we actually had enough in common). I wonder too if it was entirely my weird pregnancy emotional sensitivity getting to me, and that come a few months I’ll look back and wonder what I was thinking. But I wasn’t going to make her a guinea pig for my pregnancy induced sensitivity–or any excuse really, that I could make for myself. It just didn’t feel right, and by taking her on anyway I would have violated my number one tool, resource and mantra as a midwife. My intuition.
The funny thing is, as I mentioned, I really don’t know why or what I was feeling about us not being the right match. I suppose that is intuition; there is no practical or scientific explanation for why we sometimes feel the things we do. And as can sometimes happen, I was also tempted to not trust this instinct and just ignore it. I thought of the words of one of my midwife mentors and it helped me re-consider. This particular midwife is seasoned and experienced and perhaps the least ego-based midwife I know. She taught me, and more importantly, showed me the value to only working with women when there is a mutual connection. She’s told me many times that the times she did not honor her intuition, she regretted it in some way. This midwife, over the course of 30 years, also has the best outcomes of any midwife I know. But she is also the only midwife I know that honestly and sincerely refers women onto other options when she feels the match is not quite right. I admired her for that then; and I admire her even more now, knowing how hard that can be.
So, even though being honest with a woman (and myself) about what I am not was more challenging than I had thought, I know that once again it is not about me. This woman didn’t need me, and now she is open and aware to the fact that her options are plenty and that (if she didn’t know already) her birth is HERS. The choice is hers to make, and when she meets the birth team that is to be hers as her baby is welcomed earthside, she will feel complete in some way.
